Artwork by Steve Williams
Xpat Magazine September, 2006
*All answers are true George W. Bush quotes. A complete list of ‘Bushisms’ available online at www.about.com.
Xpat Magazine: How did the political forecast look the day you were re-elected?
Georgie Boy: There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.
X: I’ll say. Do you think that you’re a good president?
GB: I think I am…and, if not, that’s just the way it goes.
X: Everyone says you’re stupid. So, before we get into the heavy stuff, I just want to quiz you on a couple of things. Who was the first president of the US?
GB: That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three—three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?
X: Um, no. What’s closer to California: Washington or Texas?
GB: I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
X: Wow. That’s two for two. You’re not nearly as stupid as people say. Do you think you get a bad rap?
GB: No. I’m the master of low expectations.
X: Is that so? That’s very unique. What’s your defining characteristic?
GB: I’m also not very analytical. You know I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.
X: It would appear that way. Do you have any personal goals?
GB: I aim to be a competitive nation.
X: What was your greatest achievement in office?
GB: I’ve coined new words, like, misunderstanding and hispanically.
X: What? Are you high? Have you been huffing gas?
GB: No comment.
X: Do you ever talk to the paintings of past presidents in the Oval Office?
GB: In this job you’ve got a lot on your plate on a regular basis; you don’t have much time to sit around and wander, lonely, in the Oval Office, kind of asking different portraits, ‘How do you think my standing will be?’
X: How do you like the Oval Office?
GB: (laughing) The Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they’re getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed by the atmosphere, and they say man, you’re looking pretty.
X: Has office changed you? Are you still friends with the same ‘ol hillbilly buds you used to go huntin’ with in Texas?
GB: I like my buddies from West Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president.
X: Now, lets get down to brass tacks. Do you think that by killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, and forcing democracy on every country in the world, you can achieve world peace?
GB: Free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.
X: The United States is a free nation. You attack other nations and develop weapons of mass destruction.
GB: See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.
X: George, that doesn’t make sense. You’re just repeating your freedom bullshit. It sounds stupid.
GB: See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.
X: Ah, I see, kind of like Hitler. Many people have compared you to Hitler: an Australian Politician, Fidel Castro, hell, the North Korean public schools even teach that America is the modern Nazi Germany. How do you think history will treat you?
GB: You never know what your history is going to be like until long after you’re gone.
X: Iraq’s a pretty big mess, huh? How do you think things are going?
GB: I think – tide turning – see, as I remember – I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of – it’s easy to see a tide turn – did I say those words?
X: How do you feel about the abilities of the Iraqi rebels? Pretty crafty?
GB: Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
X: So, what kind of Iraqis are you after?
GB: The vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world and we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.
X: So, where’s the next big project? What country do you plan to free from tyranny next? Iran? Somalia? North Korea?
GB: One such goal is a democracy in Germany.
X: Do you have much in common with your friends’ wives?
GB: My friend, Sen. Bill Frist… he married a Texas girl…a West Texas girl, just like me.
X: So, does being a woman affect your domestic policy?
GB: I’m going to spend a lot of time on Social Security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess it’s the mother in me.
X: What’s one question that people don’t ask often enough?
GB: Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
X: (laughing) At least not by literate people. How do you keep up with the times?
GB: I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who probably read the news themselves.
X: Remember when I stole your nose before the interview and you chased me around the block before realizing I couldn’t really steal your nose? Look! (reaches over to GB’s face) I got it again. I got your nose! I got your nose!
GB: (angry) There’s an old saying in Tennessee—I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can’t get fooled again.
X: I’ve heard that you’re a visionary when it comes to human relations with aquatic life. What’s your view on this?
GB: I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
X: Wow, man. That’s deep. Hey, you eying-up the gas tank on my motorbike? Let me open it up for you there. Have at ‘er.