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Advice that I Gave a Graphic Designer that Worked for My Indie Magazine in Taiwan

Note: This is just a little humor piece that I wrote for submission to McSweeneys.net, but was not picked up.  Please note that it is not true.  All of the graphic designers at Xpat were of the highest moral standing.  Ok, well, maybe not that high.  But they were certainly above feeding ladyboys roofies (as far as I know).

Move up the title.  Increase the saturation of the photograph of the monkey feeding the pig. Justify the type.

Try the goat noodles at the place on the corner by the park. They’re fantabulous.

Invert the phallic looking thingamajiggy in the top right hand corner so that it points towards the O (but for the love of god don’t let them touch).

Don’t eat the chicken feet.

Center the illustration and resize it so that it’s even with the end of the column.

When you get back from Thailand go to the hospital by the university.  They’ll give you a cream that will clear it up in three to six weeks.

Try saving everything and then restarting the computer.

Use protection next time you idiot.

Fix the kerning on the title. The letters are spaced like a hillbilly’s teeth.

Landslide or no, go with Obama, otherwise you’re just going to split the vote.  There’s no need to take chances.

Crop the ladyboy out of the picture.  Hot as she is, she has nothing to do with the story.

Why not try green?  You never use green.

Parking outside of her house at night isn’t going to get you anywhere.  Why not just ask her out?

Add a border to the picture of the Jackie Chan looking guy.

No, I don’t think Rohypnol is a good idea.

Whoah that’s a lot of green.  Maybe mix in a little blue?

Really man, no roofies.  You’re going to get arrested.

Try a long narrow image that spans both pages, and then maybe a fine border to hold it all together.

Don’t say anything until I get there.  We need to get you a lawyer.

Have some coffee.

Relax man.  It could be much worse.  At least you drank it yourself by accident.  Nobody knows what you were trying to do.

Back off.  She and I are just friends.  We were having lunch because she was freaked out about you.

Chill out.  The guard is coming.

Let me go.

If you do that, you’re going to regret it.

I think you should look for a new job.

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